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April Fool’s Horoscopes

Aries (March 21- April 19)

Let’s be honest, your recent birthday wasn’t that great.  Strive for better partying in the future.

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)

Things have happened recently that have made you sad. Maybe write some angsty poems. It’s in the stars that your poems will be extra angsty.

Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

Venus has aligned with some other stars and stuff, telling you that it’s about time to learn how to ride a unicycle. It’s well over-do, and it’ll look great on a college resume`.

Cancer (June 21 -July 22)

It is time to put a little more responsibility in your life.  I suggest a fish, or maybe an ostrich. They are fun to race, but only if you have more than one. You can’t race ostriches with just one ostrich.

Leo (July 23 -August 22)

Check behind the shower curtain upon entering your bathroom this month. You never know.

Virgo (August 23 -Sept. 22)

It’s said that the monsters that lurk on the path to the junior doors at the end of the day tend to be hungry for Virgos this month.  Take heed, learn karate.

Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22)

According to science, Libra is the greatest sign ever to be discovered.  Your life will be great this month, and every month after that.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 -Nov. 21)

The colliding of Mars and Saturn this month brings your swag level to approximately zero.  Turn to the Maury show for guidance.  Adopt Maury’s swag.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 -Dec. 21)

Your hectic spring break has exhausted you (because you’re so popular, obviously). Try taking this weekend to stay home and relax!


( Dec. 22 -Jan. 19)

Eat more corn now.  You can’t say “Capricorn” without “corn!”


(Jan. 20 -Feb. 18)

Caves are dangerous.

You are going to have an overwhelming desire to do some exploring through caves this month. Bats are not your friends.

Pisces (Feb. 19 -March 20)

Your life has been lacking some light in your life.  To fix that, try staring directly into the sun.  That should do it.

– Allisyn Ruttle, Brookside senior

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