Aries (March 21-April 19) – You’re probably going to die some horrible death in the distant future, so you’d better live life while you still can.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) — The trees require a human sacrifice to continue supplying the human race with oxygen. You must either appease them by sacrificing your first born, or continuously crumple paper and throw it into the garbage until the trees know who’s boss. The fate of humanity rests in your hands.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) — You have a 30% chance of giving two and a half defecated chunks of matter about what goes on in the spheroid-shaped magnet you occupy in it’s entirety.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) — This month, the robot gods of all things awesome will come down from the heavens and give you a high five.
Leo (July 23-August 22) — Beware of any female Virgos because things are likely to get very messy.
Virgo (August 23-Sept. 22) — It’s that time of the month again.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) –You landed in quicksand; lose a turn.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — This month, you have a slightly better chance of becoming Batman than you did last month. If you can be Batman, then be Batman because being Batman is way better than being whatever you are.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) — You will meet a somebody who may or may not be short.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Get ready to point and laugh because somebody you know is going to lose a turn.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — If you’re already intelligent, you’ll know that Geminis aren’t going to give you any ice cream.
–Esau Rueda, Washington senior