Aries (March 21-April 19) – A shocking love triangle will soon emerge. Better hope you’re not a part of it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) — The puppy next door will soon decide to howl every night. Invest in some ear plugs.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) — Try to be careful where you’re walking. If you’re not, be ready for the humiliation because it’s going to end up on Youtube somehow.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) — Beware of men in tights, they will only bring you trouble.
Leo (July 23-August 22) — Romance is headed your way, so remember to start bathing regularly again.
Virgo (August 23-Sept. 22) — The CIA is watching you, and they know just how often you dig for gold.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) –You will shame your family name and bring dishonor upon yourself.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — Stay AWAY from the cute Aries you have your eyes on. You don’t want to get involved in all of Aries’ potential problems.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) — You will develop irritable bowel syndrome unexpectedly. Unless you’re ready to commit social suicide at Barnes & Noble, stay home.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Say “no” to crack.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — Try to think things through more often. You don’t want to end up on Teen Mom and/or Maury.