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January Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)– The rest of the year will seem to fly right by, along with a hundred others, after you’re frozen in a giant block of ice. Dress warmly.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)– You could have a lot of good luck today, but you won’t. Unless you give someone you hate a BIG BEAR hug. (Make sure it hurts ;P)

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)– You will find your picture on the front page of your local newspaper with the caption: “Wanted for attempted bank robbery.” Even though you know you are innocent, that picture looks a lot like you. Get started now by packing a small bag and heading for the bus station.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)– An open mind will see opportunities that others miss… *gasp* OMG, Alex Pettyfer!!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)– A Leo exudes a majestic power that commands respect. But be careful–your brother may plot to kill you. Just saying.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)– Breathe and relax before you have a heart attack. Not everything has to be freaking perfect, sweetheart.

Libra (September 22 – October 22)– In this world, you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. Hehe.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)– Watch out Scorpio, that hasty mouth of yours will get you slapped by a Cancer today!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)– Feeling jiggly today? Grab a cute guy/girl and CatDaddy your way to class! GET YA’LL SWAGG ON!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)– Variety is the spice of life, so add some hot sauce to your favorite dessert. Yum!

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)– There isn’t much interesting to say about you today. Or tomorrow. Ever, really. So try something new this year:)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)– If a scruffy, bare-footed man with a shaggy beard tells you 10 times to follow him, RUN…O_O

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